May you be blessed

with all things good.

May your joys, like the stars at night,

be too numerous to count.

May your victories be more abundant

than all the grains of sand,

on all the beaches,

on all the oceans in all the world.

May lack and struggle only serve to make you stronger

and may beauty, order and abundance

be your constant companions.

May every pathway you choose

lead to that which is pure and good and lovely.

May every doubt and fear

be replaced by a deep abiding trust

as you behold evidence of a Higher Power

all around you.

And when there is only darkness

and the storms of life are closing in

May the light at the core of your being

illuminate the world.

May you always be aware

you are loved beyond measure

and may you be willing

to love unconditionally in return.

May you always feel protected

and cradled in the arms of God,

like the cherished child you are.

And when you are tempted to judge

may you be reminded that we are all ONE

and that every thought you think

reverberates across the universe,

touching everyone and everything.

And when you are tempted to hold back,

may you remember that love flows best when it flows freely

and it is in giving

that we receive the greatest gift.

May you always have music and laughter

and may a rainbow follow every storm

May gladness wash away every disappointment

may joy dissolve every sorrow

and my love ease every pain.

May every wound bring wisdom

and every trial bring triumph

and with each passing day,

may you live more abundantly than the day before.

May you be blessed.....

And may others be blessed by you.

This is my heartfelt wish for you.

May you be blessed.

©2006 by Kate Nowak. All rights reserved

Though this tiny life was only here a short time, I know it was for a reason and he or she has forever touched my heart. In memory of our baby angel. Born too soon on April 5, 2007 at 8 weeks gestation


Loved with a love beyond telling.....missed with a grief beyond all tears.


My Precious Little Baby
~Author Unknown~

My Precious Little Baby
Your face I've never seen
Your skin I've never touched before
Nor held you close to me
You lived inside my body
But only for a while
Till Jesus softly whispered
Come home my little child
You must have been a special child
If God needed you up there
Because heaven is a better home
It's beauty can't compare
So till I get to heaven
And see your shining face
Jesus will take care of you
And love you in my place
Yes, Jesus loves His little lambs
They sit around His throne
So sit on Jesus' lap dear child
Till Mommy gets called home



An Angel Never Dies
~Author Unknown~

Don't let them say I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start
Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on
I know the pain that drowns your soul
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday, we will embrace
You'll hear that it was
Meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes&quot
But that won't soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache
I'm watching over all you do
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say to you
That I am always there
There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand
Although I've never breathed your air
Or gazed into your eyes
doesn't mean I never
An angel never dies

My Tears in Heaven

April 12, 2007

This past weeks has been a roller coaster of emotions that I still haven’t really gotten over what has happened to me. This is probably the hardest thing I am going through. I look back on a different "me" ; a "me" that although had her fair share of difficult times, was in no way prepared for the sheer despair and devastation such a loss would bring.

If you want to know what happened, read on, but please be advised what follows is both difficult and painful, to read. Some of it may be inaccurate, or a bit jumbled, because I was in shock throughout the experience. I am writing this to record my experience, because it helps me, and because it may ease someone else's pain if they have experienced such a tragedy. There are no answers to this question in the words that follow, merely the experience of the greatest pain we've ever felt, the pain of losing a child .

A few weeks ago I knew there was something not quite right. You see my period was late and like any other woman I have this gut feeling. I knew somewhere deep inside that I was pregnant and I began to have every pregnancy symptoms going. I did the test but it came out negative..... So I went to the GP and had a proper urine pregnacy test in the lab. And lo and behold!!... We're pregnant! Although it was a huge surprise, my husband and I were ecstatic. My son was so excited that he was going to be a "kuya".

But the excitement turned to worry when I started to have "period pains" a few days later. I still went to work thinking that it will pass. After my second night shift in the week I felt moderate cramping, though at times the cramps seemed surprisingly intense and this time I was having brown discharges that I decided to see the GP and was booked for an appointment with the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit. On Holy Monday we went for an Early Pregancy Assessment scan. I knew by the technicians' expression that something was not right. I could not even see anything on the monitor, just a black hole, no bean-like shape shadow. She asked how long am I supposed to be, I said "I wasn't sure" . She said, I'm on my eighth week. But she could only see the sac not any fetus, which at 8 weeks was supposed to be 10cm long....a blighted ovum???? I looked at my husband and I could not contained my tears. The technician touched my hand and said:"I'm sorry". The nurse came to see me, again I hear "I'm sorry". Each time I heard it, it hit me in my heart.

I was scheduled to have another scan after 2 weeks, but since that first scan I started to bleed and was starting to passed blod clots. We went back to see the doctor the next day but a pelvic exam confirmed my cervix was close, all I needed was total rest and was again sent home. Then on Maundy Thursday afternoon, after spending all morning in bed trying to nurse my cramps, I started to bleed heavily and was in so much pain that my husband persuaded me to go back to the hospital . By the time we reached the hospital I was soaking in blood and when the doctor and nurse examined me I was in so much pain that they confirmed that I was in labor and it could not be stopped; my body was trying to expel the baby. "Why? I'm only 8 weeks" I silently begged. This wasn't real. The physical pain was relentless but the emotional pain was toxic; I felt as if I were dying. Then I felt something warm and large pass from my body and knew instinctively...... I reached to touch it, paralyzed with fear. Then I sobbed..... I could no longer differentiate between physical and emotional agony. I felt humiliation, distress, at the sheer exposure of lying there covered in blood. My husband was strong and seemed unaffected by my physical appearance, more concerned with my safety and mental state and likely silently racked with his own anguish.

The moments that followed were a blur, as the nurse and doctor inserted IV lines, took some blood samples and wheeled me to the ward. I was to stay overnight, just in case the bleeding doesn't stopped. Overnight the nurses kept asking me why I was crying, was I in pain? I couldn't answer. "Maybe", I answered, I don't know. Why was I crying? Because now I am left with an emptiness unlike anything I've ever known. Why we have to endure such heartache is a mystery..... but hope and faith are something that can never be destroyed.

I was discharged the next day, Good Friday, as my bleeding subsided. The doctor said I had a miscarriage. I wasn't only grieving for the death of our Lord, but also for our little angel. I wish I could wrap my grief up in simplicity, in blind faith, and not face the reality of my pain. But I cannot. I was in so much pain, emotional pain that I willed myself to emotional numbness. And that emotional pain is a pain that just doesn't go away; it haunts you! You feel as though you're in this dark cloud... that this really can't be happening to you! I was so angry and I felt like it was my fault. Maybe I was working too hard? Why me? Is it something I did? So many unanswered questions. But then I remembered what my husband said, that maybe " it just wasn't meant to be".

These are the most painful words I've ever written. Maundy Thursday afternoon, we lost our baby. Born too soon at eight weeks. We may never know why this happened. We do not yet know if the baby was a boy or a girl, and though it is nameless and unknown to us, we will always love and mourn for our lost baby. Having a miscarriage, losing a baby, whichever way you want to say it, has been a life changing experience for me. I know that I will heal soon, but like all deep wounds, there will be scars, constant reminders of my pain. The loss is devastating but I am determined to get through this and come out strong in the end.

Maybe God needed our little angel a little more than we did. Maybe it wasn't our time, and the next will be the right time.....but we must leave that in GODs hands. We will recover, and plan to try again to have a baby when we are healed emotionally and physically. I sympathize with everyone who has ever been through a miscarriage - it's probably the hardest thing someone could go through. But, I do know and believe that God has a plan for everyone's life. Whether it's to live till your 100 or only just a few short months inside your mother's womb. I'm thankful that I'm already blessed with a healthy, beautiful seven year old boy that smiles and makes life worth living.

Sometimes I feel so scared and I wish I could be stronger, but for now.......

I feel entitled to grieve.....

to be sad.....

to shed my tears in heaven.


note: I wrote this a few days after our baby angel was born too soon on April 5, 2007 at 8 weeks gestation. Loved with a love beyond telling. Missed with a grief beyond all tears.

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening...

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

© 1999, All Rights Reserved, Reprinted With Permission